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Ideally.

“Don’t fall in love with me,” he said. These words kept ringing in my head whenever I felt like I was going to.

I knew what I was in for in the beginning, but I have failed to separate my feelings and in the end, I had to break my own heart. It was a debate that I had within me for months: should I stay or should I go?

I miss the idea of you; of having someone to cheer me up at the end of a long day or week, of having a constant, knowing that I’d see your face again and again but I do not miss the thought of battling with my inner feelings, of an almost love.

I do not miss having second thoughts and guesses, wondering who’s next in line. Wondering when you’re going to walk away from me, if you even had the intentions to. I do not miss feeling happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I felt happy with you, I felt like I was constantly trying to grow and be a better person but sad because this happiness wouldn’t last another month without me falling apart. We both know that only we can make ourselves happy but a portion of my happiness  and growth was getting to know you.

I have tried talking myself out of walking away, but I had to save myself from my own misery and in the process, hurting us both in a way I shouldn’t have. I thought walking away without the need to face you could heal my pain, but I was so wrong. It only made it worse when the reality starts sinking in and now, there is no turning back. I knew that the longer I held on to this, the deeper the cut will be for me.

I knew you’d be great for my growth, but I couldn’t fight this battle alone. I couldn’t do it with these thoughts haunting me. I don’t know how to express myself properly but I’ll learn from this episode. I hope I’d be able to find that courage to face feelings that have made me feel uncomfortable to talk about, and that I’d be able to mature as an adult to discuss about matters that involved my feelings. It is part and parcel of growing as an individual – to be accepted or rejected. I was afraid of the latter, because it was evident.

This short period of getting to know you has taught me love, patience and dedication. It has taught me to learn more about myself, accepting me for who I am, to work on my flaws and I also know what I want in a person and it’s a lesson that I cannot learn without you in my life.

Until then, if (or when) our paths cross again, İlhan, I hope you’d be able to see me as a different person. I hope I would have grown to be a more confident and a beautiful person inside and outside. I hope I’d be able to work on the potential that you saw in me  that I haven’t seen in myself and be the better version of me from when we first met.

No regrets, just love.

Zen.

Mental health is just as important as your physical health. I have had moments where I would succumb to my thoughts and all I’ve ever thought about doing is sleep. And I’d sleep for hours and hours.

I guess that’s just my way of escaping… granted, it’s not exactly the brightest solution in the world. However, as daunting as it may be; ensuring that you take priority when it comes to your mental health, is crucial too.

And you need to understand the limits to your body too. I am not feeling depressed or suicidal, no. But there are constant thoughts about the what ifs and the maybes, and if I had done the right thing because they keep haunting me.

I’m on the road to healing. I’ve kept myself busy with different activities to keep my mind and my body active.

Praying helps, but I still find it hard to find peace from within, knowing that you’ve lost some amazing people along the way. I guess when we’ve been hurt, it’ll take a while before we are able to gain the trust we have lost… or possibly never again.

Keep telling yourself that there will be good days, and there will certainly be bad days. It is your resilience in the face of adversity, almost like a test of faith, that would define who you are at the end of the day.

Let the bitter memories be sweet, if it’s not today, then perhaps someday.

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